Misery
This is a pretty dark scan, but then it's a pretty dark piece. It's difficult to see the colors of the paint, especially the reds which were an important part of this piece. I felt that the deep reds, which reminded me of blood, represented my life force and my emotional wounds that were being swallowed up in this feeling of *misery*. I felt like I was being *engulfed* in waves of dark water. I was having one of those days when it feels like nothing is right, like no part of my life is where I want it to be, and I can't see a way out of it. I hate days like that. I have suffered from depression in the past and days like that remind me just how horrible it feels to be depressed. I never want to sink down into that bottomless pit again, but on those days it feels like that's where I'm headed. It's aweful. I didn't used to let myself express those feelings. My thought was that if I "fed" that part of me by acknowledging it, it would take over and I would be swallowed up again...and who knows if I would be able to pull myself out again? That's a scary thought for me. But in reality I have found the opposite to be true. If I let myself really *feel* those feelings, if I let go and let myself go deep into them and really *express* them, I feel lighter and can move on. One of the best ways of dealing with negative or overwhelming emotions for me is to "paint them out". I find that encapsulating those feelings in paint on paper gets them *out* and as soon as the painting feels "done" I can breathe again. Just looking at this one, I feel myself wanting to take deep, nourishing, soul healing breaths. It's a very *healing* painting for me. I don't think this one is going anywhere.
posted by Jessica @ 11:26 PM
3 Comments:
I love how you expressed that. I could relate to getting those dark feelings out and putting them somewhere else, and how it would be healing to have them somehow "contained" in the artwork rather than inside oneself where they could be "fed and grow". I could see myself doing this. Thank you so much for sharing.
I have struggled with depression my whole life. I really like the way you let your feelings flow through your art. I did that recently when I was angry and it really helped me release it. When I'm getting depressed, I sometimes listen to terribly sad music. (Jackson Browne's "Late For The Sky" is perfect for this, written after his wife committed suicide.) Then I gradually move on to more and more upbeat choices. It really does help shift my mood back on the right path. Thanks for sharing your process.
Thanks for your comments. It's always somewhat of a relief to know that other people feel similar things. I find that music sometimes helps too. Often what I want to listen to is something something sad or something very angry. I had a lot of trouble expressing anger when I was younger. I swallowed it all instead because it was just *too much*. I still have trouble expressing it appropriately with words, but painting I can do!
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