Trying to get back on track...

but it's tough. I've now lost two of my beloved cats. Basgar, my male cat, died on Monday. He was in bad shape. A former 25 pounder, he was down to a mere 5 pounds at the end. He had developed a massive infection and he was in kidney failure. Walking into the vet's office that day was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do, but I didn't want him to suffer any more. He was in pain and there was very little that we could do for him, so I chose to have him euthanized. I stayed with him the whole time and he went quickly and painlessly instead of suffering as he had been. It was good to see the peace on his face at the end...something I hadn't seen in a while. But I'm still questioning whether or not what I did was best for him. I think it was the best thing if I only consider the physical. He was in for a painful and potentially frightening ending. His entire face had started to swell making breathing difficult for him.

Normally I believe in letting things go their course. I believe that there is a "deathing" process that one must go through, similar to the birthing process and I believe that process needs to be worked through in it's own time and shouldn't be rushed unless absolutely necessary. I think the "deathing" process itself makes the transition easier spiritually, even if the physical process is difficult. This was the first time that I, personally, had to make the decision to euthanize one of my companions. The euthansia process itself wasn't disturbing, but what happened at the time of his death was. The worst part was "feeling" his spirit get booted from his body before he was completely ready. I have been able to "feel" spirits for as long as I can remember. Sometimes it's a blessing, but this time it was gut wrenching. He knew he was dying and was preparing for it. I doubt he would have lived more than a couple of days if I had chosen to let him die naturally. But he wasn't completely ready and finding himself making that transition before he was totally prepared for it was a shock for him. It took his spirit a few seconds to realize what had happened. That was difficult for me to experience and has made me rethink my position on euthanasia as a way of avoiding a painful death. I'm really not sure where I stand on it anymore.

I actually have been doing artwork and crocheting throughout all of this. They are my meditation, my way of staying in touch with my feelings, and my pressure release valve when things get stressful. I don't know what I would do without them. Well, actually, I do. I'd be a basket case like I was when I didn't have them! What I haven't been doing though is keeping up with my journaling or my on-line stuff. For most of this time it was too much to even consider putting some of this "out there" in written form. It felt too much like baring my soul and I wasn't ready to do that. Every time I would start to feel like I could talk or write about it, something else would happen to send me back into my cocoon. First nursing Basgar (my male cat) when he got sick back in January, then keeping vigil while Tigre passed naturally, followed much too quickly by having to make the decision to have Basgar euthanized, and then dealing with the effects of that decision - it was all too much and I needed some time to process what was going on within me before I could start to let go of it and sending it out into the Universe to be transformed.At first I was surprised to realize that most of my work during this period had a spiritual theme or feel to it, but then it made perfect sense considering the things I was thinking about and meditating on while I was creating. I crocheted bookmarks with religious and spiritual themes. I made art with spiritual iconography. During the darkest part of the last few weeks I crocheted a black cauldron bag that will never, ever leave my possession. It has too much emotion woven into it. I can't imagine handing that much raw emotion over to someone else. During this time I was also thinking that maybe I should start making prayer shawls again when I came across the book Knitting into the Mystery: A Guide to the Shawl-Knitting Ministry (by Susan S. Jorgensen and Susan S. Izard) at the library booksale. I considered finding that book at that particular time a sign but I honestly don't know where I'm going to go from here. I feel I've reached a turning point of some kind. Strangely enough I feel cleansed or purified in some way that I can't describe. It feels a bit like I've successfully made it through a trial by ordeal. But what does one do to move on after a trial by fire?